"She's just not here yet"

3. First consultation. — August 1, 2015

3. First consultation.

Reassuringly the doctor didn’t tell us anything I didn’t already know.

3 days until I get my implant out. I’m excited, it feels like I’m relinquishing control of my future to my human body, and at the same time because it is my body I feel like i’ll finally be in control of the future.

I have an ovulation app on my phone and my eating habits are changing already. Bodies are strange,

2. The name. — July 26, 2015

2. The name.

We have argued for hours over the years about a name.

Rolled over in a huff and gone to sleep disgruntled and resentful.

Completely unnecessarily, and 100% caused by me.

I have a couple of rules: it must begin with and must sound like it’s the name of a girl in an adventure story, and it must have an interesting meaning or history, and preferably not be biblical.

His rules: nothing weird or wizardy.

After years of bickering we have never ever agreed on a name…until yesterday! Which is impressive as we only decided to start the conception process 3 days ago.

It fits all my rules.

1. The decision. —

1. The decision.

It was as easy and as impossible as deciding not to have an Aquarian.

I had become fixated on a vision of my fantastic lightning minded little super heroine born January/February.

Any discussion on a ‘when’ (and at 30, with younger siblings both with a couple babies each, there had been many of those conversations) always involved some finger counting as to when I could conceivably conceive and 9 months later unleash another Aquarian into the world.

(In)Conveniently that conception window never quite lined up with life so it was missed a couple years in a row while we were bumped and shuffled onto the right path for the right time. Which is the way the universe works.

And then 3 days ago I asked a woman I greatly admire what her star sign was and within seconds my mind was changed, a penny dropped, the planets aligned, and it is now time to start the journey.

Simple as that.

it won’t matter if she is Aquarian, Taurus, Aries or even Scorpio (no really). She will be my daughter and I will be her mum, and she will be exactly who she is.

So here I am at midnight, reading about cervix mucous and booking pre-pregnancy consultations and impatiently waiting to get my implant sliced out.

Easy and impossible.

Hello world! — December 9, 2012